i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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