dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
