I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
