I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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