I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize