look no pants
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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