Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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