You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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