That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
