i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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