theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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