I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
