Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
