You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize