I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
