he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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