Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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