Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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