yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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