My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The best revenge is premature balding
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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