M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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