He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
