Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
