dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
