Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
