Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize