why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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