somebody snuck up and got me drunk
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
