oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
