well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
