I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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