we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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