Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
