Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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