mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
