and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
