and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My cat gives me a boner
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
