So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
