If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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