I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
