Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize