u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
