I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
