I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
