Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
