I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
