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I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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