it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
