i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Panties = found
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
