the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i love accidental penises.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
40s are totally the cure
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
