found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
