Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
