I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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