The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
