Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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