If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
