My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
