hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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