If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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