I just threw up on my dentist
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
