hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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