saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
