at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Randomize
