Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
