from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
