Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
