When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
