Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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